Hey what's up

Recently, I started a new project of befriending birds. Since there are so many birds that visit our balcony everyday, I begin to contribute breadcrumbs and clean water on the table outside everyday for them to consume. Maybe one day they will not be too scared of me anymore. Maybe we can read together under the sun when it gets warmer in Berlin.

Yesterday, I put outside two choices of food: grain bread crumbs and boiled opened potato. Bread crumbs were gone in 2 hours, but the potato was still there this morning. Grains are very popular among birdies. But I have not spotted any birdie friends playing in the water so far. Maybe it is too cold still? Anyways, it is a nice feeling to know that birdies are around me (feeling less lonely this way).

I have also been kind of depressed recently. Maybe because I have started too many projects but I am too rebellious (to myself) to commit to the abstract idea of finishing them. Because of this (mainly) and a bunch of other small things, I have been smoking a bunch of cigarrets again for the past few days (0.5 to 3 cigs a day). I have developed a method of feeling disgusted after cig breaks. It is grounding me quite well and I think I will be able to stop before smoking cigs develops into a pattern (again).

The problem is, when the I fall back to the contemplation of Doing, paranoia arrives. There are all kinds of worries and fears: how am I supposed to find such and such people to do such and such things at such and such particular time? Will they like my idea? What if something happens on the set, e.g. people not showing up, people getting hurt? Considering that I don’t even have a script right now, I would sink into the self-referential anxiety if I give these potentially legitimate worries too much attention. But now after writing this out, I feel so much better. I know that unanticipated events do happen, and I will be able to deal with them when specific scenarios arise. Besides, it is always to a good idea to prepare beforehand instead of worrying a lot in order to give myself the illusion of actual preparation.

So, I am excited to start the first shooting project of my own (or our own, as it’s always the case albeit in this particular case there is no other subject in the pronoun of “we” yet) in April. By then, I would be able to finish the first draft of my script. To be honest, the most fascinating thing besides playing with illusions and time in filmmaking is to do something together with the people I enjoy being with. Friends, families, or whatever. On the storytelling part I am actually not quite sure, and there are mainly a few reasons:

1) Not sure about the nature of “Storytelling” in the sense that why telling the stories in the medium of film in the first place. I like and enjoy very much exchanging the fun parts and the not so fun parts with friends. I enjoy understanding them and seeing the world through their eyes. But this is an everyday activity since people’s worlds diverge if they have not been catching up in person frequently. Konwing someone, listening to someone, and, most importantly, being friends are a journey of a lifetime. Gadamer also mentions that “even if you have ‘known’ a person until the day they go back to Nothingness, you are still far from truly knowing them” (appropriated by me slightly). Seeing, hearing, knowing and recognizing is a pull of Being. There is a the perpetual pursuit of Completion that there is Becoming, that each present moment is a projection of Eternity. Nonetheless there is no completion, since the universe would then cease to exist. So then what’s the point of telling a story if the magnitude o f its expression existentially rests on finite amount of time? It is only worth it if the production is for-itself, i.e. the process of production is enjoyable, without a telos pointing to something external. I honestly think the medium of film has been conceptualized forever, and it has been bad conceptualization since the artistic creation using such medium has been based on layers of simulacras, and has been so entangled with other capitalist or political incentives that are in turn the result of entanglements of many different simulacras of Beauty (kalos), Love, Truth, and Recognition (engagement), which are actually all one thing (the point of convergence, Self-Reference). The false memory of our collective soul leads to the mal practice of contemporary art. If I cannot convince myself to write a story that ends at some point in time (not including the self-referential ones), what’s the point of composing such a story with moving images?

2) So, if I ever produce any films at all, the goal would not be storytelling. Luckily, there are so many ways of producing something intelligible (I actually have a problem with this too) with cameras even if there is not a clear story in mind. Bunuel and Dali’s Un Chien Andalous is a clear example; Meshes of the Afternoon by Maya Deren and Hammid is another. I spiritually appreciate watching productions like this, because I (or anyone) can just tell how much fun they have had in the process of creation. I can do automatic writing or drawing for inspirations, or I can also just pick up a camera and start playing. But you see the problem is I think too much more than actually doing which is why I am writing this blogpost.

Well, seems like I have found a primary solution after writing this out. Phew, so much to update about what’s going on.

Last week, Chris and I were at the premiere of Enjott Schneider’s Requiem for the microbiotic world (in the form of visual [with a projector] + sound [string quartet and a surprise percussionist Stefan Blum who absolutely blew my mind that day]). I didn’t expect such a wonderful surprise since I purchased the tickets to hear Gorpius Quartett play Mendelssohn’s F major (which ironically disappointed me a bit at first). Exploration into this form of creation but in a more spatially interactive way is actually the earliest reason for me to study film (since I have little to no experience in creating cool visuals).

Anyways, I am tired now. I wish I wanted to talk more about the performance and the reflections afterwards but I actually don’t want to anymore. There is always inifinte things to say and never enough words to finish saying. Oh well.